I Am Still Here – Somewhere

I just realized it has been more than 3 weeks since my last post – I’ve been around but not necessarily with it. After 3 months, I decided it was time to stop pushing aside grieving for my Mom and Dad, too many oddball things were showing up and I need to deal with it. I was upset when I decided to end my radio show for a while – going on hiatus while I do major self-care – and will be back doing it again in the future. I don’t want to spend the rest of my days somewhere in neutral and drag my butt tired.

Eddie and I went to Toronto for a few days for Christmas with our niece and her family – no ice storm this year. It was 40’s and 50’s with some rain, just like Seattle. However, I am glad we aren’t there at the moment, they have cold, ice and snow right now. I have some photos from my sister Ellen at the Jersey shore showing snow.

This one came this morning

This was earlier in the week – so amazing!

Ellen really knows how to compose a great picture.

This one must have been uncomfortable because the snow was blowing all over.

We had a wonderful time in Toronto – I found myself noticing after a day or so that I had not thought about here or what was happening, I was completely there. It’s not that we did much, at least I didn’t. It was a delight to just enjoy their company and relax.

I have to admit to feeling a bit left out because I only understand about half of what was said, so I asked for a major attitude overhaul. What a change in my way of looking at the situation. NEWS FLASH! It’s not about me. It is a time for Eddie to speak Arabic with people he cares about and who know exactly what he is talking about – most it is about the past, people they know in common and situations. They also imitate the way some they knew spoke Arabic – only they understand the joke and why it is funny.

Christmas Eve we watched the service from the church in Bethlehem, then went out for a wonderful dinner. Christmas afternoon we went to Raouf’s uncle’s house – and 30 of his close relatives. There are probably another 30 we didn’t meet that night, there is always next year. I spent a lot of time talking to his Uncle John. He’s a very interesting guy and so easy to talk with – I found out more of his history on the drive home.

We left on Boxing Day in the evening – Eddie isn’t quite sure why he arranged only 3 days. We had a wonderful time, though it was so good to be back home and in our own bed.

After we came home, I called Hospice of Seattle to find out about their grief support group. It is a 6 week course, then often the group decides to continue meeting after the end of the 6 weeks. It starts this Tuesday and will be for the next 6 Tuesdays. I don’t know what it will be, I am open to what ever works for me.

I found the book “When Bad Things Happen To Good People” in the library – I had heard it was a really good book for grieving. Unfortunately I didn’t find it helpful – I don’t need to find a reason Mom is gone – it was time and it was her wish as well as relief. It is more explaining about the whys – I don’t need that. I am glad I checked it out, now I know what is about.

I have some other things to check out – some of this by guess and by gosh, some are suggestions from other people – I am open and receptive to anything. I am open and willing to explore things and ideas to see how they resonate. This is so individual that it is more challenging than if there is a set formula. Maybe I will start to look at it as adventure rather than as something to be overcome. I am working to put it into words for myself – there really aren’t any pictures in my mind yet.

I bought an iPhone last Saturday – my Christmas and birthday present. It is cool and I went Tuesday to learn how to use it. I have another appointment this Tuesday to learn more. They were able to download my list from my old phone and I finally got my pictures downloaded as well – not quite as easily. However, the number is the same and I don’t have to go through that balderdash again.

I downloaded the new system Yosemite at home in November or December and my computer has been a bit wonky in some places. I took it in on Saturday afternoon – what a zoo not only at the Apple store, but all over the mall as well. Anyway, I told them about it and Nicole thought the best thing to do was reinstall Yosemite there and it would install over the one I did. It was going to take an hour, so I went for coffee and by 5 I was ready to go.

Meanwhile Eddie was home doing the laundry and cooking dinner – what a delightful husband! He had done all the shopping in the morning by himself because I had woken up in the middle of the night feeling as if at least a Hummer or something bigger had driven over me from feet to head and up my back. I am not sure what happened, I was doing well the day before and the one before that – no clue why. By late morning I was doing a lot better – thanks to Advil at night and in the morning.

Life is definitely an adventure. I found this picture the other day and in some ways it’s how I feel – I don’t know how I got here and I have no idea where it leads, but at the moment, I am here and safe.